What Did I Just Watch?

Mom, the kitties and I are up and again are here at the movie drawing board. It’s 11:35 on a Thursday and it’s good to be off tonight. I heard good things about this movie and it looked fun.

There are three best friends Max, Thor, and Lucas and they have started 6th grade. Thor probably has the best creepy little sister Annabelle, you totally have to look out for her. The story centers around getting to go to a kissing party and all the obstacles to get there. It starts with a broken drone, neighbor girls holding it hostage for the kids perving on them, stealing their purse with Molly in it, a run in with the cops, buying drugs from a frat house, getting a new drone, grounding, and finally the party.

These are all great distractions from what is at the core of the story which is coming of age and dealing with growing apart. All the boys have been friends since kindergarten but now that they are in 6th grade, they seem to be going on different paths. Max is destined to be popular (especially with girls), Thor is interested in music and theatre, and Lucas is a nerd who loves gaming. They’re all realizing their differences and dealing with the fact that they might not be friends forever. This is one of the hardest realizations that you can’t prepare kids or adolescents for since you can’t necessarily predict the natural dissolution of friendships. You may care for someone and they can hold a special place in your heart, but you don’t have much in common. This film does a good job at showing the pain of this with the “Beanbag Boys.”

The sad reality of the core is easily offset with hilarious moments of middle school humor, relatable hormones and the discovery of sexuality. The story is well done, well acted, and a good time. I recommend it for nostalgia and a good laugh.

While my Mom is still here, we decided we need to watch a Stephen King thriller. My Dad has been trying to get me to see Needful Things for years. I’ve heard the premise is the devil gives you what you want, but there is always a price to be paid. The idea in a way is like the episode in the Twilight Zone “It’s What You Need” where a peddler gives you exactly what you need at that moment. This unlike that, has an ominous twist.

An antique dealer named Leland Gaunt comes to Castle Rock, a small town in Maine. His shop is called Needful things. The people who happen upon his store are given deals if they can’t pay. They have to do “pranks or tricks) to certain people in town. The tricks sow distrust, wrath, corruption, and such among the citizens of Castle Rock. Mr. Gaunt has an immediate connection with everyone and brings out the worst in each and everyone of them.

Also, he doesn’t end the deal after one prank. He uses people who are far away from problems to commit the deeds so they can pin it on someone who they have an actual qualm with. There are deadly consequences to these seemingly innocent actions (although not all are innocent). It’s slowly, but not so subtly is revealed that Gaunt is the Devil and everyone is guilty. He spins the ideas of sin freely and it’s up to people to take the bait. He doesn’t push it, the offers are tempting.

Only the Sheriff Alan Pangborn seems to be suspicious. As terrible things happen to the citizens of the town, Leland Gaunt stands by to enjoy the carnage. They all soon realize that Leland has been pulling the strings and he leaves with a bang. I’ve read that some light comparisons are Faust (classic deal with the Devil), but this is far more deadly than Göethe had written. Stephen King has used Sheriffs as the voice of reason before (Storm of the Century) and they seem to be the ones who suffer the most. He also has a penchant for using Satan and other demonic presences in his novels (The Dark Tower, The Stand, Storm of the Century). As per usual as well, everything is in Maine (I’m legit scared to go there now). All of these things are what I like to name Kingisms. Even the characters names seem to mirror his stories. For instance Alan Pangborn, as if he was put in this world to suffer.

The story is great, the ending is cheesy, the acting is pretty good (Ed Harris and Max Von Sydow) and you have the usual Kingisms. It wasn’t too gory, had a few bloody moments (if you’re traumatized by animal death don’t watch this). I think it’s worth a watch and is a pretty good time for two hours.

I’m all Mexican food full right now and a teenage comedy sounded good. Even though high school movies make me cringe so hard. It’s actually painful to watch at times.

This follows two very high achieving girls on their last day of school (Molly and Amy ). Molly is the valedictorian of her class and worked hard, but she finds out that the so called fuck ups got into excellent schools as well. She decides with Amy that they need to party. They end up at a crazy boat party with only two other people, get picked up their principal who is an über driver, a murder mystery party, have a run in with a serial killer, and a popular kids party at a huge house.

Things are looking up at the party. The girl Amy has a crush on us at the party and the guy Molly likes is making out with the girl in question. Amy is trying to get Molly to leave and they end up getting in a huge fight with kids filming it. Unexpected encounters occur and the cops show up. Amy distracts the police and ends up in jail. Molly, feeling bad for the fight bails her out and they get to go to graduation.

The thing about these films is that there are so many things that happen that kids wish would happen. Driving on a field in an expensive car and wrecking the fence, dropping an F bomb in your graduation speech, throwing water balloons and confetti around the school on the last day, confessions of true understanding, and finding unexpected romance. As an adult who happens to work at a school, none of that would actually happen. Someone has to pay for the fence, we have metal detectors, and life has actual consequences. But we don’t want to think about that in a movie, right?

More than anything this again is a movie about friendship, taking chances, female empowerment, and allowing yourself not to be perfect. A tad cliche? Definitely. Well written and funny? Yes. It’s worth a watch with your bestie and in my instance, my mom.

So today I’ve had a lot of coffee and I’m crashing. I was looking for a movie where my brain could go on autopilot for a while, so I settled on this.

It starts out with a little girl and her mom. The kid is watching Pretty Woman and her mom strolls in and proceeds to tell her that happy endings aren’t real and that girls like them never get the guy because they are normal people and unattractive. Rebel Wilson plays the adult version of the girl Natalie. She is taken advantage of by people, ignored, and looked over because she isn’t is as attractive as most girls (read: fat). Her work buddy Josh who is a normal guy seems interested, but she doesn’t notice him because she is oblivious to love in general.

Natalie and her work buddy discuss romantic comedies and how horrible they are. She mentions voiceovers, clothing montages, breaking up weddings, gay best friends, and are generally toxic. I’m inclined to agree with her. Almost every romantic comedy I’ve ever seen is formulaic and trite. Let’s see how this goes.

She is on the subway going home when a man from the next cart motions to see if she wants a drink. After getting off the subway, she is mugged and hits her head on a pole. When she wakes up she has entered her own romantic comedy. Everything is cutesy, her apartment is brand new and pretty (even her dog). Every troupe that she hates is playing out from having a female rival at work, wrecking a wedding, flamboyant best friend, hot and rich guy falls for you (but you love your best friend), karaoke, sex isn’t showed, but moved to a morning after in a towel), dancing, and singing at random. This is basically her nightmare and she runs commentary on all of it.

Every part of the romantic comedy formula happens from love, discovering you’re in love with someone else, betrayal, and finding love at last. What I do like about this is that this isn’t in the way you think because she doesn’t need to be with someone to love herself. This is the best part of the film. Is it cheesy and has it been done? Yes. Did I like it? Yes.

The romantic comedy world is there to teach her to be happy, more sure of herself, and how to take a chance. She feels like she has to get someone to fall in love with her, but finds that she has to fall in love with herself. She leaves with self-confidence and respect. Cute movie, obviously and unabashedly cliche, but cute. Would I sit through it again? Eh, maybe if nothing else was on.

My mom, Raul, and I had finally agreed on a movie (so hard to do) and I was stoked! There is so much bad news and it’s an awful reality we are all living right now, we wanted to watch something positive. Oh boy did this movie deliver….but not in the way I thought it would.

Fred Rogers is a perfect exemplar for a good human being. He’s widely respected, loved, and admired by just about every demographic. So, how much better can he get and how good or interesting will a movie be about a virtual saint be? The story is based on an article written by and experiences that Lloyd Vogel had with Fred Rogers. These experiences helped an otherwise angry, deeply hurt, and skeptical human being to deal with his feelings in a positive way.

Is that all? How is that a big deal? It’s huge. How many people are able to honestly engage in a conversation about authentic feelings? Most of use various defense and coping mechanisms like deflection, self-deprecating humor, sarcasm, or avoidance. Fred Rogers spoke frankly, but gently with Lloyd. He was attentive, interested, looked him in the eye, and treated him with unconditional positive regard (Carl Rogers theory in Humanistic Psychology.) This is the idea that you accept someone for who they are right now in this time and space. You will also accept them for who they were and who they will become. As Mrs. Rogers said in the film, Fred had to practice coping with emotions daily. He isn’t perfect, he works everyday to be this way.

This is a refreshing and lovely film that had me self-reflecting on how I deal with my emotions and how I could do better. It is amazing that this reminded me that kindness, actively listening, and acceptance means the world to everyone. This movie is definitely worth a watch and don’t forgot your tissue box.

This may come as a shock to all of you, but I’ve never seen Groundhog Day. I know, it’s a mortal sin to have missed this Bill Murray classic. I know the plot of reliving the same day forever hell is used quite a bit, but it was novel at this point in film. I’ve seen it in Haunter, The Eye, and Happy Death Day to name a few. I’m sure The Twilight Zone did an episode on this as well.

Instead of adding a synopsis since most of you have seen it, I’ll just add highlights, lowlights and commentary.

First impressions, typical Bill Murray film where he plays a sarcastic jackass that we all love. It’s pretty cute and I witty so far. Also, someone had a ridiculous sense of humor with Gobbler’s Knob. Probably the best name for a place ever. Phil figures out his shit out way faster than other characters in similar films and he gives zero fucks. He uses this whole scenario to his advantage and it is fantastically outlandish.

Only Bill Murray can come out of Rolls Royce dressed as a cowboy. So basically, he gets to do what we all want: erase our mistakes. He has seemingly limitless days to make his days perfect. To woo someone in a way that it matches all their desires and to risk nothing. However, perfection and certainty isn’t what we all want or need. He plays his days like he has to beat the final boss and keeps failing.

My favorite part officially is the groundhog driving. Annnddd he might not be OK!! Haha! Even though this is a semi rom-com, it does beg the question of what would we all do with in the same scenario? Phil had his crazy hedonistic moments and once he got over that, some depression, and then he spends his time trying to become a better person. So the theme is once you decide to become who you were meant to be, everything else falls into place.

Here’s the verdict. Was this the best movie I’d ever seen? No. Would I watch it again? Yes. Solid movie, good for families, and pretty enjoyable.

It’s almost 10pm. I’ve got my wine and jalapeño chips ready to go. We saw this under horror which is kinda weird to begin with since it’s a kids movie (later I see the director is Eli Roth and now understand.) This stars Jack Black as Jonathan the creepy ass uncle , Cate Blanchett as Mrs. Zimmerman, and Owen Vaccaro as Lewis. The opening scene has a huge cookie and a few minutes later, Jonathan saunters on in a kimono looking like Charlie Chan. We’re in for a bumpy ride.

So basically here it is: kid is orphaned and goes to live with his whimsical (read: flamboyantly magical) uncle. His neighbor Mrs. Zimmerman is always over and exchanges in overworked banter with Jonathan. Magic happens, like out of nowhere random magical things happen like stain glass moving, hand of cards changing for the better, etc. The whole time Jonathan tries to conceal the magic, in painfully silly ways. We find out that the house used to be owned by the evil wizard Isaac (played by Kyle MacLachlan). He put a clock in the wall that is always ticking and it drives Jonathan crazy. Am I about to watch an alternate version of A Tell-Tale Heart?

The kid is awkward af and goes to school and wears goggles everywhere. He finds out his new home is known as the “Slaughter House.” Jonathan is hiding secrets from Lewis (magical and spooky oooooohhhh). Scary music, scary music, scary carnival music to be exact. Boom! Jonathan is a Warlock ( DUN DUN DUN)! Lewis wants to be one and starts training in a book reading montage. I feel bad for Cate Blanchett; she must have fallen behind on Ferrari payments and took this job. However, I think she gave up and decided to act to match the caliber of the cast.

I can’t believe we are ONLY 40 minutes into this. Annnddd the kid Lewis is going to be stupid and tell his new friend that his house is magical. He’s another Carl, always ruining everything. They break into the one place Jonathan told them not to and it is a poorly illustrated (and colored for that matter) Necronomicon. If only Ash would pop out with his chainsaw arm and end the whole damn thing.

Kid is rejected by new friend (Tarby…what kind of name is that anyway?) Then Lewis decides to try his hand at necromancy because…..that’s how you get people to like you. The kid succeeds and guess what? He done fucked up A-Aron!! He resurrected the evil Isaac! Lewis is too scared to tell Jonathan and Mrs. Zimmerman the truth so he decides to help them defeat Isaac. He found blueprints to Isaac’s plan for a clock and key to restart time to the beginning of the universe. Lewis was able to decode them with…..an Ovaltine decoder pin. As my friend Ralphie would say, son of a bitch.

Kid confesses, uncle gets mad and doesn’t want to raise him anymore. Impending drama ensues. Blah blah blah. Isaac comes to the house with his evil wife as they try to get the book and bone key back from the house. We then get the back story of how Isaac became evil from meeting a demon in the Black Forest during WWII. The demon looked like a cheesy cave man from a Mel Brooks film. Lewis is in a cage screaming like a little girl as Mrs. Zimmerman and Jonathan start to fight Isaac and his wife. As they exit the house, the pumpkins in the garden attack by throwing up on them. Really? Is this really happening?

I’m still here an hour and a half later. Will this dumpster fire ever end??? This feels like an ABC kids Halloween special with slightly better special effects. Isaac’s clock starts to turn everyone into a children and babies. Jack Black turns into the most horrifying baby (tiny body and his full grown head). The kid throws his Magic 8 Ball into the giant clock and it foils Isaac’s plans. The clock overloads with this magic red electrical currents and Lewis throws them at Isaac and his wife which proceeds to kill them. The world is safe and Jonathan is no longer a baby. I can never unsee that. It ends with happiness and new friendships and a flying arm chair.

OK, it’s over. The pros were the rambunctious furniture and a topiary lion that would have explosive diarrhea (it was dirt, plant matter and a live bird). The cons are…so so many. First, the acting was abysmal. Jack Black just played himself like he always does, but worse. Kyle MacLachlan…oh how the mighty have fallen. From Blue Velvet and Sex and the City to this. Granted, he fell pretty far in Showgirls, but this was arguably worse. Cate Blanchett was lukewarm at best, and lastly…Owen Vaccaro. No, just no. Yes, he’s a kid…a kid who couldn’t act his way out of a kindergarten Thanksgiving pageant. However, he is proficient in screaming.

Secondly, this was based on a book and for the authors sake, I hope it was better than the screenplay. The dialogue was corny, the usual tropes were overplayed, and I knew how the movie was going to play out within the first five minutes. The CG in the film was OK, but I think they needed to hurry up and finish the film and the budget ran out.

Now I realize how appropriate the name of this blog is because what in the actual hell did I just watch? I’m so happy I didn’t pay for this and had plenty of wine to go around. There is no use for this movie…not even as a drinking game. My advice, skip this one.

…that this is probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve said this plenty of times after seeing a film that friends, family, and critics have hyped up. While sitting through this disaster you can only think that you’ll never get the two hours and twenty five dollars you’ve spent on a ticket and snacks back. What in the actual hell were they thinking? Was that actor desperate for a paycheck? You’re better than this Brad!! Who was paid to write this?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a cinephile. I love more films than I hate and I don’t believe there are any bad genres; just bad writing and acting. My love for film and writing have led up to this blog. I’ll be watching movies I’ve never seen (old and new) and writing honest reviews. I’ll add in co-authors for when I enjoy (or cringe through) a film with others.

I hope you choose to go on this journey with me and I will take suggestions on what I should watch next!

Thanks,

Ashley